There are so many things that happen. It's so hard to tell it all but it always seems so significant. If I could only get it all down on "paper" before it gets cold. 

After leaving the group, and after all the horrendous things that happened, I felt in the beginning that this woman is no better than Hitler. I felt that. And I said it. Then, as these things develop I felt again attracted to her. My mood softened. I cannot say why. It is hard to describe why. Always she would get in touch with me at some point but always because she needed something. I had a hard time deciding if I had been correct in my assessment of the situation and I went through a lot of trauma about leaving. Had it been the right thing to do? 

The thing that always happened was that I would become frightened for my soul. I would become afraid that I was going to hell. That was the whole thing. From the beginning. It had been about that. What is the way to manifest God? What is the way to become spiritual? What is the way to overcome the world? I went through so many transitions. I remember a time I went to Santa Clarita and just sat in the parking lot of a big box store for days. Three days I think. I just sat there and went through hell. I came back to the Mountain then and said to A and S that I had been broken. 

I had gone all the way down. But obviously I had not gone all the way down. I had not made it down to nothing. No, that happened later. Later one day I sat and thought about everything. In the meantime I was researching every day about what is going on in the world. Still trying to figure it all out. What are they doing? Why is it turning out so raw? What is it? Then I found out the thing, what is the game. It made sense finally. I started to research and dig further and further. And the more I looked, the less things made sense again. Each time I found a new piece to the puzzle I had to again reconstruct my world. I found out that everything I had believed about the world,  none of it was true. None of it. It was all fake.   At the end I had to give up. I had to say, it's all wrong. There is no right reality. It is all fake. 

That is when I came to the conclusion that everything they are doing is just to confuse us. It is only to confuse. So, they don't care if they espouse religion or atheism. It's ok if they are on the both sides in every argument. And indeed that is the way they operate. They switch it up back and forth until everyone is so confused and no one knows what to believe at all. Until everyone just gives up. Until everyone is helpless to know what is going on. It is the way they break the collective spirit and mind. They put out hundreds of false flags everywhere. Until people are so sick of it. No one wants to touch it anymore and then they do what they really want to do. 

After a long time I am starting to write again. It is hard to maintain continuity at this point. I have become somewhat resigned to my fate. I told my friend just now on the phone, they are killing me. I don’t know how much longer I can last. So, this part of the story will be told later. The story continues in the next installment.