I found this post. I had written it here. This is where it started.

Yesterday, two things. I was thinking about all the MISTAKES I have made and how I am completely washed up, etc. and How nothing will change and I am going to never be able to transcend, and God has abandoned and Guru has also abandoned and Mother has abandoned and it’s all my fault and all this negative thing was hanging there.

Then suddenly my heart felt lighter and I thought, oh, this is just the old thing, the old negativity. I just felt actually, why don’t I just lighten up. This is just tamas, depressive, procrastinating, etc. depressive especially. And I just decided like that to not be so depressed about it all and I realized suddenly also, again, that it’s just all about me, me and me.

Then today I thought, why don’t I just meditate for the earth and send my love. I used to do that.

Another thing, I figured out that we are totally screwed, I mean earth is so messed up. And I decided there is almost nothing I can do about that. I have to take care of my own problem. I have to solve my negativity. And then, I did a meditation for the earth, which I used to do. and my mind wandered a lot, but basically I was doing it for the earth, not for me.

And something else also. But I can’t remember. I just thought, this is so negative. I just have to make up my mind to do something positive. and today, a few times, that moment broke through. I heard a sound. a few voices echoing in the distance, people calling to each other and I felt love then suddenly, and how beautiful is this earth .