First and foremost

I want you first to sit and take a deep breath. Try to always breathe. I know it’s tough. But just do it. For yourself and for me and for all of us. Breathe. You are alive. You have found this story. That’s grace. That’s a glorious thing. Welcome to my story. I hope you make it your story, too! I hope you add to it.

In all of this, anyone reading might feel a certain outrage. I have to emphasize that I don't feel this at all. I don't feel it because now I know exactly what happened. And this is not a spiritual goody two shoes thing. This is not that idea of getting to the point of feeling equanimity and being totally objective and untouched by negative events, where a person in their spiritual journey comes to the conclusion that this is all maya, or that God loves them and even the bad things are His will, or even that we can see the silver lining, to remain positive in all things. No, it's not that, not at all. No, all this was abuse. It was all bad. It all is not necessary. We should not be treated this way. No one should be abused. It was damaging. It left scars. It was an agony to go through and still I don't blame them. AND THIS IS NOT STOCKHOLM SYNDROME talking here. I'm not going back to them. It's not that. No, it's nothing of the kind. What happened here is that through a strange circumstance I finally uncovered the truth. The truth that we are all the victims here. All of us are being played. All are being controled. It is like a huge board game for "them".  We were all pawns in the game. 

THEY...the BIG THEY... but I must emphasize again in reading this that this is a story of GRACE AND GLORY. You, the reader should never feel irritated or upset during this. I know you will want to feel upset, but you must control your feelings. If any of these things touch a nerve, please relax and know that it is not as hopeless as all that. It is not a thing to be upset about. I don't want people to be emotionally DRUGGED by reading this. 

I will tell a "joke" here. I am staying with a friend. He told me that when people come up to him, let's say a neighbor is mad about something and knocks on the front door in order to complain. He said, "I go right up to them and say, 'You got friends?' and when they say 'Yeah' I say, 'Well F them, too!' and then I close the door and go back inside." That puzzled me for a little while. Then I got it somehow. And I laughed and laughed. After that, any time something bothered me I would say in my mind, "Buddy, you got any friends?" and laugh again. 

So, that is how I ended up leaving. I just stayed away from the restaurant for a couple of days and at some point it was clear to me. "I just can't go back. And I can't stay here." I had to leave. But how to do that? There were no friends. There was no money to speak of, not that I could suddenly go and pay for hotel rooms or put a down payment on an apartment, and even to find a place to rent. The task seemed monumental to me. And about the money, that was another strange thing. My handler had demanded recently that I leave all my credit cards and my checkbook with her. That everyone had to do this. I had done that, and I was ok with doing that. Again, everyone will think that this is crazy. And it IS for someone who has never been through it. 

I had a little money in my bank account, but I was not aware of how much was in there. And I had of course been getting stimulus payments and unemployment during that time, even though we were all working the same as we always had been. Oddly, we were supposed to be absolutely honest and follow all the rules of society. But the leader was exempt from this. She didn't have to follow the law. So everyone in the restaurant was working day and night and they were collecting everyone's unemployment checks. Then you had your bed and your clothes and you ate every day. It was complicated if I wanted anything beyond that. The "leader" always said that she was the only one who knew how to spend money so we were not allowed to do that. I actually didn't really have much of a desire for things. Just every now and again I would feel that I wanted something. I used to want to clean my teeth in a particular way. I would suck on a tablespoon of oil for several minutes and then spit it out. This is something I practiced for six months once in Germany when my gums had been infected and it had cured that disease. I wanted some oil for this and I had to ask for it. But I couldn't ask. I thought of asking every other day or so. It took me about two years to screw up my courage to ask for it. One day someone had a bottle of partially used coconut oil and they were giving it to her and I then just blurted it out and asked for it. I was publicly shamed for that. 

This was a strange thing. There was a point at which the boys got motorcycles. In one week they spent $53K for several bikes so that they could all ride. Some of them didn't even know how to ride. There were two KTMs, one Triumph, a Suzuki. I think that was it. I might be missing something here. So there was plenty of money spent on occasion, but no one was allowed to make the decision to spend or not. It was said that we would spend in the wrong way and that would destroy the abundance. And we believed that this was the reason for the control. It sounded right to us. It was all plausible. Guru can scream at us and get away with it. The leader can spend all the money and we should be satisfied with what we get. 

Anyway, I could go on and on. I left, without having a vehicle of my own, not knowing how much money I had and not even knowing that I was getting unemployment. I just had no clue as to my financial status. D had been in charge of managing my accounts and he had had all the passwords. I had demanded of him a few weeks prior to my leaving that he should print out my password to my unemployment account for me. Which he grudgingly did, I am sure he only did this after consulting with the "leader". They had spent all the stimulus checks I had received. I think it was $21K, to this day I don't even know how much it was. When I left I changed all the passwords to my accounts. It took me several weeks to even figure out that I was still getting money from the state for unemployment. If I had not logged in, I would not have continued to receive it. Somehow I figured it out then and I was able to get the money put on my card. That was a card I found one time just laying around. It was from BofA and it had my name on it and I remember going and saying to D, I think, "Hey, what is this?" and he had told me that I didn't really need that. So, somehow I figured it out when I left that I had to log in to a separate account at BofA in order to transfer the funds to my bank account at another bank. 

Sitting there, I knew I had to leave, but I didn't know anyone. So, I was sitting at my computer the afternoon of the second day. I had gone to the store at some point, the local Dollar General. Crackers and cheese, I took to my room and ate it under the covers when no one was there. By that time I had unplugged the security camera that had been pointed at me. Even though my handler had demanded of me that I keep my money in her desk, at some time in the week prior to my leaving I had gone in and taken my credit cards and my checkbook back. The desk was in a locked building. I used the opportunity of going and doing something else in that room, getting something I needed. Then I could borrow the key. I think I had been upset about something that day, someone had been needling me. I don't know what it was. Then a few days later I was calm again and I started to put my money back in her desk, but I suddenly stopped myself. I told myself, "No, don't do that." I kept it all with me then, the cards and the checkbook. And hence I had money then to get food. And it was a good thing. Because I was hungry and no one brought me any food. Of course, why would they? We only got food if we worked. And we didn't get money for any work that we did. We were fed if we worked, like I said, and I wasn't working. So, why would I be fed? Right?

I am saying we here, "we" weren't fed, etc. In truth I can't say if what I am reporting only applied to me or not. I was the "scapegoat" in this group. Anyone who has dealt with a raging narcissist will know what I am talking about. 

Sitting in the little office I stared at my facebook account. I had never friended anyone on there since a long time. I had friended some people but mostly in our group. It was tabu to have a lot of facebook contacts also. It meant that you were still "attached" to your family or your identity. She used to rage on and on about how we were living "individual" lives and we needed to live "universal" lives. I think this is the point where you see that we in this cult group were being trimmed in the direction that an individual has no rights, or less rights than the community. I guess this is all old territory for some. Anyone who knows about cults knows this. They don't like you to have contact with anyone but them. It is a tactic to keep a person isolated. But right now I am making the connection to this idea going around our world that the "rights" of the community supercede individual rights in all or most cases and at all times. That is what's going on right now, anyway. 

So, I didn't really know who to reach out to. There was one man I had friended for some reason. I decided to reach out to him. I did that. He answered in a few minutes and I told him I wanted to leave the group, the restaurant. He was, surprisingly to me, very cool about this, saying he understood. I am not sure exactly the conversation. He may even have said that he was surprised I had not already left. Something of this nature. That did surprise me, because to me everything was natural, and I could never have thought of leaving before that. I had tried to contact 3 or 4 people. I was chatting with this man, then another person answered, someone I knew a little bit better. He was A. I told the first man goodbye and I started chatting with A. He said, "What's up?" I told him, "I need to talk to you." Then he said, ok, I'm coming in my car. I said, "I won't meet you here. I will walk towards you, up the street." He lives only about a mile from the house where I was. He said ok and then he picked me up a few blocks from the house where I had been and drove me back to his house. I told him the whole story. 

He said I could stay with him for a few weeks. I was really in a mess. I just looked at him. I told him I was not really asking him to stay there. It was just that I had to tell someone what I was going through. He reiterated his offer. But I was really scared that he said, "a few weeks". I told him that I really wanted to somehow get away from these people but that I didn't know how I would leave them and then be so unsure of whether or not I had a place to stay for long enough to get on my feet. He was telling me "a couple of weeks". What if I left the group and then somehow I became homeless? I didn't want that to happen. I felt very insecure. In the end I think he reassured me that he would not brutally just throw me out. and he might have said that I would be allowed to stay for longer. He worded it very ambiguously actually. But I got that he was softening his position. I felt trapped and helpless. I didn't know where else to turn. I had to accept his offer, I felt. So, I agreed.

Then, I think he dropped me off, or maybe I walked back. I saw that D and one of the other group members was at the house. Our bedroom was a large open space on the ground level, and D's office was right there also through an open doorway. It was all one open room. So, I just walked in. The jeep was parked in the driveway next to D's desk window. I gathered up my clothing and threw it in the back of the jeep after I found the key. I tried to take all my papers and possessions. There were not many things, but it was bulky. I was in a hurry to leave. I took a few minutes and put all my stuff in the truck. Then I walked out and never went back. I drove to A's house and put my things in the room he was giving me. It took me a long time to drag all that stuff up to the room. The house is on a steep hill and I had to carry it all up several flights of stairs, which made me feel really tired after all the stress. I think I had slept in the house one more night and this was the next day actually. I had a lot of clothing. It was a kind of quirk. Even though it was some of it not really nice any more, it was hard for me to throw it away. so, I had a lot of clothes. I put them in the room. By that time I was exhausted and I could not come out after moving all the things. I think I just lay on the bed. it was warm, middle of May, and I had left the house door open. 

At some point D poked his head through front door and called out. To this day I don't know how he knew where I was. Maybe he drove by and saw the jeep parked there. I went out and gave him the key to the jeep. There was an incredulous look on his face. He was going to drive away in the other person's car, who had brought him and I yelled out to him, "you have to take the Jeep! Otherwise A can't get his car out of the driveway." Then he came and took the key from my hand. Or something like this. Maybe he strarted leaving, taking the keys and not the jeep. I think he did something like that. I think everyone was confused. Definitely D was confused. In nine years D had never seen anything like this in me. No, I had always been the one who always hung on, always came back, after every fight, stood up after every defeat, swallowed every insult from my handler. I had never defied her. I had defied others for sure, but never her. This was the end. It was over. We were all surprised, myself more than anyone else.  It was the end and it was the beginning. 

After this another crazy phenomenon started. The flying monkeys came. I had blocked all the people in the group including "her". So, they had no access to me through social media as they had before. I had taken the one little computer with me, which "technically" was not mine. It was an old imac and pretty useless to anyone, but I had a few tricks to keep it going. No one else would have used it but me, but they were putting pressure on me to give it back,  and I had all my files on it. I didn't want to just give up all my files like that. I worked a lot on the computer, doing graphics and things. I was a graphics person. In the course of a few days they started putting huge pressure on A and he immediately came and put huge pressure on me to give back the computer. Then he put huge pressure for me to give them the password and so on. In the end I lost all the files, lost my Apple ID account totally and all the messages that we had exchanged over the last 8 years. I had now no proof of anything that had happened, of any of the abuse that had transpired. It had all been through imessage. I could not get back into my account. I tried several times over weeks and weeks, going to Apple stores and calling support. They would not give it back even though I proved that it was my account.  It was suddenly linked to someone else in the group and I didnt' have that person's password. 

I felt that I had to give in to all these demands. A was becoming increasingly annoyed at the situation and it was a threat that he would throw me out. I gave in and gave them everything eventually. There was a hard drive I kept, but they were demanding that also. I took that and transferred all my files to a new drive which I purchased from amazon, but this file what lost when I had a vehicle stolen a few weeks later. I had tried to buy a mobile home, an old camper. I didn't want to be on the street. But that was stolen and then just about everything was gone. I had no files left, no proof of anything that I had done,  of all the years of work I had done for them, for free. 

In the end of all this I have to say, I have only compassion for those people, most of all for my handler. And I know that people might feel outrage, but again, EVERYONE here was made a victim. Including the perpetrators. They all are being played and played. I love them. I will never stop loving them. And again, I AM NOT A SPIRITUAL PERSON in this sense. It doesn't mean that I overcame anything. All I did was to find the Truth. "And ye shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free." Isn't that what it says? 

I found the TRUTH and that is the GRACE AND THE GLORY OF IT. 

Dear Reader,
Again I must emphasize, not to feel bad about anything I am saying. It’s all part of a larger story. Zoom out. I’m still here. I’m telling this story. The story is GRACE AND GLORY. We are all going to be ok, if and only if we can stop being emotionally triggered by things.
So never feel bad for me. I am good. I am not suffering. I have little logistical problems. I am not in pain. I cannot be in pain. Only when I forget this and give in to an emotion, and it is always triggered by FEAR FIRST. That is when I suffer. But it is a process of learning not to be afraid. That is the process. Once you learn that, you will be good. DON’T FEAR. All of this will go away as soon as you are not afraid. Next, I will tackle the concept of how this can be done.
I’ve decided to tell the rest of this story on my blog… FIND ME…