Did I say that I had been recently "red-pilled"? But good! Yeah, my whole world just started to crumble right in front of my eyes.

What was it? I don't remember how it turned up. I just surf around the internet and stuff turns up... On this particular session something came up. Oh, it said something really, really strange. Sometimes a title of a video catches my eye and I start listening and then I just turn it off. This time I started the video and I was seeing these pictures and then there was a kind of hypnotic "late-night DJ voice" of this guy down in Texas.

I was watching and couldn't make heads or tails of what I was seeing and then it started to sink in and I was just floored. There are a couple of things I want to tell everyone before I reveal what I was watching that night.

The first thing is, and this is something that everyone should know. EVERYONE should know this. And it's not up for debate. Not at all. There is a guy I like to watch/hear sometimes. He is a Stanford professor of Neurology and, I think, Ophthalmology. He was once a drug addict, boozer, crackhead kid. Somehow he got off the sauce and started to get an education and since then he is just studying how the brain works. He has these videos about how the brain works, how the brain functions chemically. I THINK that's where I picked this up. Not really sure, but it makes total sense to me. You see, he says we are nothing but chemistry. Our lives, our memories, our feelings and our beliefs are all controlled by chemicals in our brains.

I don't argue with people any more and I don't try to convince anyone of anything at all, if I can avoid it, since I heard this man explain the following detail about cerebral chemicals. He said that one of the functions of dopamine in the brain is to reinforce belief systems. Whenever you say something or do something that reinforces whatever you believe in, WHATEVER it may be; it doesn't have to be true. That is the POINT. It can be wrong, it is PROBABLY wrong. But if you believe it and if you do something to reinforce that belief, give a speech, have an argument where you defend your position, think about what you believe, or act according to this cherished belief, you get a hit of dopamine in the brain. Hence, we are all DRUGGED into following our beliefs, naturally drugged.

This has far-reaching consequences. If I can control the schools and I can control the workers, and I can control the NARRATIVE, the precious narrative; if I can control all the conditions whereby people make up their minds about what is TRUE, then I can get a whole army of people behind any given line of thought. So, I have to control what is accepted as true. As soon as I can control a narrative somewhere, in some particular instance, I have an edge. Then I can go on to try to capture another position of the narrative and then another and on down the line. Over a given number of years, or throughout a given number of generations, I can control everything, literally everything. That is what you call power, isn't it. Because, once a person makes up their mind to believe something, then I'm home free. The system is pretty much self-sustaining. I don't have to work quite as hard to change their mind about anything. Once they are falling into line, I just have a little maintenance work. Suppress the truth over here, demonize a few doctors and scientists over there, perpetuate a few lies and myths on this side, and etc. ad nauseum.

Then there is the tactic of fostering opposite sides of any given question in order to weaken a populace generally. Make them fight each other. I don't have to believe anything at all. I simply believe that I should be in control of everything and then I can set people up to hate each other, to be at each others' throats, and again, once I have set up the undertone of aggression in any particular society, I can just do a little maintenance now and again and every generation or so, I switch back and forth from one side to the other. Or I can do it openly in a shorter period of time, for all to see. First I'm a liberal, then I can espouse conservative views, then I can back off again and go lib. I can do whatever I want. I can build up one side, like, say Trump, then I can go on and build up the other side, like say, some liberal candidate. I don't have to really believe anything. I don't have to be political at all. I just want the money and the power. I do whatever it takes to hold on to those. If I'm at the top, I just have my minions do that work. I sit back and rake in the money and get drunk on the power. Easy peasy.

The fact that the brain works to support this, that makes my job easy. I can manufacture the lies and spread them through all sorts of channels and then just sit back. So, the way dopamine works, that makes it easy to do.

I went with my parents once on a cross country trip. I must have been around 9 years of age. Again, I can see the family pictures in my mind quite clearly. They only exist there. I have lost all the copies, but I see absolutely clearly, in the western United States somewhere on a lonely stretch of highway, there are mountains in the distance. My younger brother and I are standing near a fence. The grass is kind of high around our ankles. I am looking at the camera. My brother is looking off into the distance. It is a beautiful sunny day. The fields behind the fence go on for miles. I am wearing a little outfit made for me by sister #2. Green with little tassels on it.

We were on our way to the West Coast to drop off my older brother at boot camp. You can google it, there was an airline strike. My oldest brother, #5 in the the lineup, had enlisted to go to Vietnam. That was a "mistake". He thought his number was going to come up. That he would be drafted, and if you were drafted you had to serve longer than if you just enlisted. In fact, his number didn't come up. But he had enlisted and he had to go. I am trying to remember where we took him. It was somewhere on the West coast. I don't remember where it was. So, we were on our way. After we dropped him off we continued on down the coast to see my sister, I think. I think she lived in Southern California at that time. I am not 100% sure. I just remember that we ended up at Disneyland. My mother or more likely my sister had sewn a cute dress for me. There was a matching little headscarf and I was supposed to be dressed up like Alice in Wonderland. I had that type of look anyway. Little blonde kid. Pretty good looking little girl. I remember that dress. I remember being at Disneyland and riding on the rides, seeing the presidents and all these crazy statues in a dark hall full of historical figures, who moved (if awkwardly) and gave little speeches. I don't remember tons about Disneyland. I do know, my Mother loved the castle, the one that was based on Neuschwanstein in the South of Germany. I tried to take her there much later in life, but it didn't work out, unfortunately. I remember the exhibit of "it's a small small world" with a lot of dancing figurines. Those pictures didn't turn out that well. Perhaps that is why I don't remember that much about Disneyland. The pictures didn't really turn out that well.  What I remember is what I looked at over and over again after we came back, what I was able to see again and again in photo albums.

Now I am struggling to remember what I wanted to say. I really should make notes for myself. But I don't. I just sit down and start to write. One thing I wanted to talk about was a book I had read as a young woman. The author is Mary Daly and the book was called, "Gynecology". The author divided the book into five parts. Five ways women had been tortured or hounded or the five ways genocide had been practiced against women. I remember two of these things. One was the Chinese custom of wrapping feet. Another was the witch burnings in Europe, where about 9 million women were burned at the stake. I should really remember the other three atrocities, but I don't. At some point I will remember it. Well, that was back in the days of bra-burning. Funny that now I just don't wear that "foundation garment", as it is just too terribly uncomfortable. I don't see the point to it. Yes, I remember the women's lib movement. But, now I look at "history" much differently than I ever have before. I used to be skeptical. I used to be wary. But I had no idea how much of it was being, is being faked. I just didn't know. No one knows. That book had had a huge impact on my thinking as a young woman.

It's just impossible to know history, you see, because there are people, people who control the narrative. They say that the victors write the history books. But it goes even much deeper than that. They not only write the books, actually they don't really write the books, they get someone else to do that for them. No, they control history in the making. They control what is viewed as true, as happening at any given moment in time. Then they don't really have to write the books. Books can be written, arguments made, varying versions of what happened put up for general review and speculation. And NONE OF IT is true, nothing happened at all. Or what really happened never comes out. NEVER. The victors are defined by certain people who are in control of what we see, what we think, what we think we know. How do we know anything? Because there are people who are very, very busy constructing realities for us to consume. And we very gratefully consume these realities. We take in all the ideas they present to us, and it becomes our truth. Ever see "Wag the Dog"?

The people who control the narrative... the narrative. This is the word that I keep hearing, over and over again lately. They say the narrative is crumbling. But now I am starting to figure out... It only crumbles if they crumble it. They are so much in control. We can't even guess how deep the rabbit hole goes. If we knew, we would be so shocked, for one. And for two, we wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it. We would be ABSOLUTELY ALONE. On our own. Unable to connect to anyone. Unable to make anyone know or understand what is really happening. Yes, I'm the crazy one now. I'm certifiable. I'm isolated. I'm the "conspiracy theorist". It's what they want. They have me right where they need me now.

What was the thing I was watching? I was watching someone exposing how "they" make history. The man with the late-night DJ voice was showing how an actor, someone who he had positively identified, someone born within the last 30 years or so, was becoming part of "history", part of the past. A whole life history for him was being "narrated" into existence, and he had his picture taken in uniforms from WWII. They invented a person to have supposedly lived during the second world war, and this man was providing himself as the model for that person.

Yeah, you could say I am certifiable now. Now, why do I believe that? Well, I must be a bit helpless here. My dopamine might be providing me with a little boost. But I am not sure about that. Definitely I am sure that our government and those they are in bed with mess with our heads. Big time. But, in this case, literally my world was coming tumbling right down. That was, of course, not the only video, not the only proof, not the only incidence I saw. There was a lot more. It goes much deeper, is intensely shocking and disturbing. But to me it made sense. I am not going to go into it here. It's too nuts. But I will say that after that day I went on my way and everywhere I looked I could see supporting evidence, things just seemed to fall into line with that little tidbit of interesting factual history about the way our minds are being manipulated. It was there all around me. The late night DJ was showing how actors were used, are used, have been being used, throughout, well "history", that it has been going on for much much longer than any of us have guessed. He was proving it. I walked away from that, I stumbled away from that proof. And I went out and started to do my own research and it was quite startling what I came up with. That is how it is when you finally find the truth. The questions all kind of dissolve. The wondering stops. The whole puzzle starts to make sense. You see it everywhere. You can't go back. You are out of the Matrix now.

Did I say somewhere that I like scifi? Yes, I did. And did I say that I liked "The Matrix"? I don't think I said that yet. Well, I used to watch that movie every day. At some point I had it on a disc of some kind and it ran on my desktop computer while I worked. I had my own business in Berlin making soap. I had a little studio on a streetcorner near the S-Bahn in the middle of Berlin. This particular little corner was situated in what was called "Die Rote Insel", the red island. It was so named because there were a lot of communists who used to live there or it was associated with them in some way, back in the day. And strangely enough, it was just across the street from a very famous "Friedhof" or cemetary where the Brothers Grimm are laid to rest and where several other well known people are buried. I don't remember the name of the little cemetery. You can google it.

I used to make soap and I would take it to the Wochenmaerkte (the weekly markets) and sell it. I had been living alternately in Germany and in India. I went back and forth between Berlin and the ashram in Tamil Nadu. That was around 2002 or so. So, The Matrix came out when? In the nineties sometime, and I was struck by the movie. Everything about it fascinated me. I used to watch it over and over again and sometimes it would just run on my desktop. Right now I am thinking of the scene where Neo is taken out of the Matrix and lifted up into the ship. There he is put in an operating theater and the electrical connections along his arms and back etc. are mostly taken out of his body, except for the one at the back of the head which is needed to periodically plug back into the matrix. I remember the scene where he says to Morpheus, "Why do my eyes hurt so much?" and Morpheus answers, "Because you have never used them before." and shortly thereafter at some point there is a scene where Neo finally catches up to what is really happening. He starts to wretch. He loses his cookies right then and there and starts to shout at everyone to leave him alone, to stand back, not to touch him etc.

That is just the way I felt. That is the way I felt that day. But this had been buffered in my case by something that happened a few months earlier. I guess my life was just destined to be like that. You see, this is not the first time that I had watched as my world just came crumbling down around my ears. What to speak of a narrative crumbling...? Everything I held to be true was suddenly turned to dust in front of my eyes. You can only compare it to the scene where they first plug Neo back into the Matrix again after he has been pulled out of it. Then he is in the totally white room. There are a few chairs and Morpheus explains to him that for the Machines, he is, indeed all humans are, nothing but a battery. I think that is where he goes crazy and comes out of it and starts yelling at them. Because he felt the connection on the back of his skull and then in the Matrix again, he touches the back of his neck and he cannot feel it. But he knows that he could feel it a few seconds before. He can't figure out what is real, and someone is showing him that everything that was real for him until very recently, is quite fake. He can't handle it.

But by this time in my human career, this time around, I have been through this "house of cards falling down" process multiple times. It has happened more than once. I can't accept anything as true. I don't know what my name is. I don't know why I am here. I don't know what life means. I have been living in this condition since I was a tiny little kid. This brings me to a whole new chapter and I have to say, what I need to write about next, I would rather not even mention. But I have to go there. I have to tell the whole story. But it's just too nuts. No one will believe it, and yet, that is what I have in my memory. I can only say, these things exist in my memory.

But like Neo, I don't know, now I don't know, if I can at all trust any memory. I don't know. I don't know if I lived it or if someone convinced me that I lived it. It's not possible to really know, until you are enlightened perhaps. And what hope is there of reaching enlightenment? That is the question.

Dear Reader, please keep in mind the following, I am really “nuts”. I was made crazy. My brain was “fried” when I was little. I cannot trust the contents of my mind. I am just telling you, this is what I “re-member” what I am putting back together. I am putting it all back together like a puzzle. I am trying to tell the story, because I am sure I am not alone. I am not the only person whose mind was messed with, messed up, in this way. I am hoping that this will help someone. Otherwise, it is just too painful to dredge it all up. No, but it must be told. We have to begin to share the truth with each other. The truth of our lives. What we have experienced. What we experience, that is all we can call true.