Note to the reader: I’m quite lost in here. People sometimes tell me after hearing some cockamamey story of mine that I should write a book. But I assure you that writing about life and living life are diametrically oppositional activities. So it’s taken me quite a while to get to the point of being able to write this next chapter. This is the hardest thing to write yet.

I had received an invitation to come to India. I couldn't go. Actually what happened was a bit different. I had been writing to my guru.  In India. And he said something to me that turned out to be strange.  It had an affect on me.  And I didn't know what was going  on,  not really.  

This man wrote to me that I should take a rest, that I needed to rest. But specifically he didn't tell me what he meant.  His words were very vague.  He said to me that I had to take time, otherwise I would not progress spiritually, that my spiritual development would come to a grinding halt. 

I had been working at this restaurant up to 17 hours a day, usually more than 15 hours daily every single day of the week, and that for six years without a break. The only break had been one Christmas day a few years ago where I was told not to come in.  It was again some sort of punishment, and now I don't even remember what was going on.  Other than that I was always there except for  an occasional doctor appointment. People would come in and see me and think very often that I was the owner. This was  because I was the only one they saw and they saw me every single time. People often would ask me about it and I would always just say that this is what I loved to do.  There was some truth in that but it was more of just a way of stopping them prying into it any further.  Certainly I never mentioned to anyone that we all were working without pay. I knew if I said that there would be no end to the questions and I felt that I would conceivably lose respect in their eyes.  

We, all of us who were there, felt that no one on the outside of the group could possibly understand our motivation.  We were firmly and steadfastly committed to our mission.  And this mission was built around a set of beliefs and an ideology coming out of experiences we had all had with this woman and with this movement.  We were told that the only hope for the world was with this group.  We were told this by our leader, whom we all considered to be enlightened, and of whom this Indian guru had said that she was the Supreme Divine Mother. We were told that we were the only ones on earth who were showing true love to all beings through our selfless service and devotion and that if there were any hope for the world,  it was through our group and our group alone. And we bought into that. 

That was our positive feeling and motivation,  but there was,  of course,  also a darker side,  a side we were not allowed to expose to the outside world.   And it was this underbelly of our group experience which was causing me no small amount of distress.  We were not allowed to show any tension towards the outside.  It was,  however,  not my nature to want to or to try to hide anything.  And I think I have a rather pronounced NEED to express,  to show my feelings and to air my difficulties.  It's my way of sharing.  I just never felt to hide things or to be secretive about anything.  And I certainly never had much of a feeling towards deception. I was open about what I thought and felt.  And if someone didn't want to discuss it,  this could lead to considerable frustration in me. Mostly they wanted us to ignore whatever it was. 

Beyond being constantly silenced there was a dynamic that was quite poisonous in the group.  That was the supreme agency of Sinran. Yes I'm going to name names now. But remember,  this is just science fiction. I will also call it the supreme exclusive agency of the mom.  She was the mom and she not only told everyone what to do, she also told us all what to think, especially about each other.  She did this by murdering a person's reputation.  She would just say negative things about people when you were alone with her. 

And it could be something very banal, but it almost always gave the impression that that person had some fault that you didn't share. But then there were times when she would also rail at the whole group at once or when she would expose a group member in front of everyone; usually that was me,  but not always.  She said things  that 1) made you feel superior to others and 2) made you not trust the other.  It drove a wedge between you and the other group member. Then it had the effect of making you feel like you were in a private club with her. It established a perverted sort of intimacy.  This twisted dynamic was also very convoluted. It kept you off balance.  She  was always capable of suddenly going off. You were never sure when she would get in your face about something. 

I remember that especially in the weeks just before I left I became aware of the tension I carried in my body every morning, because you never knew what time she would be arriving and what mood she would be in,  how she would treat you when she walked in each day.  It was always a feeling that 'let it be loving and peaceful,  not disdainful and distant'.  We were always seeking her love and acceptance alone,  being denied the love and acceptance of the others in the group.  There was a competition for Sinran's attention, just like in a family with a lot of kids. This led to tensions between some members, those who had abandonment issues.  But generally it just meant that no one trusted anyone else and there was no friendship possible. 

Once having established this poisoned atmosphere it was easy to control everyone and get them to do just about anything.  She just had to paint a very black picture of someone and that was enough to isolate that person. The others then were taught to show disgust or disdain,  but then at random times there would be praise,  so there was a type of perverse buffering that took place.  So the level of poison was very closely monitored and controlled by the mom. And her supreme agency was never called into question. 

People will be asking now,  why a person would join such a group.  I can speculate here there are plenty of people who are looking for something deeper,  more meaningful and lasting than what is found in society at large.  And they are also at a disadvantage in that due to the fact that they somehow don't fit in they are challenged financially.  In my case it was so.  I couldn't tolerate the general abuse handed out in the workplace. To have a toxic narcissistic boss and be surrounded by colleagues who were ready to cut each other to pieces was something I couldn't abide.  It's ironic then that I ended up in the same situation but even worse off than before.  

I think most of us were more motivated by the search for deeper meaning in life.  To just get up every day and go to work at a job,  struggle to get ahead, have some kids and then retire with a hobby or two on down the road just didn't seem to be all there should be.  Life should not be so empty of meaning. If course, you could choose to do some kind of social work,  helping others,  or just choose to be a 'good person' and try to help here and there,  but in my case I was raised like an animal.  I had barely enough resources, really not enough to take care of my own self.  How then was I going to help any other person? 

Then there is the feeling that things are going so wrong in the world and how are we going you fix all of that? Then one day you meet someone who is EXTREMELY charismatic and seems so loving. And they have a place where you can come and stay.  And you will work together.  You are building something together.  And you are sold on the fantasy,  the idea that you are special and set apart by God for this work.

You fit in there. You are welcomed warmly by the leader. You are given a place to stay.  There is good food and a clean bed and your needs are met.  And the group has a whole history and a feeling like something you have never found before.  It's intoxicating.  You want it to be true. You are made to feel that these people are your family. They are all doing something that is saving the world. It is an exclusive club. Not everyone can join.  You are special.  You fit in here. And this group has the highest goal and mission.   And then you are also heading for  enlightenment. You are going to be closer to God. Religion never promised you that.  

No, religion could not give that sense of meaning and certainly it didn't exist in a normal everyday family life where you just go to a job every day with other people all struggling to keep up.  So you settle in.  And the leader seems to have the answers to everything.  They seem to be much more wise with knowledge that you can't even grasp.  They always have an answer even if it is just to wait.  They always know what to do.  There is security you never have found before,  security you never had in your family or at any job. And you are told that this is your home and that you are never going to have to leave.  Who would not want this? 

But how is it that this leader becomes so captivating for you? What is it about them that makes you feel that they are so special,  so powerful,  so worth listening to or worth following? Yes,  that is the question.  What is the secret sauce? Where do they get their mystique? This is something that I can't really answer right off the bat. What attracts you to them at first glance is a type of charm. They seem superior in some way.  You don't know why but you feel special in their presence. Usually though it is because someone has told you that they are very special and unusual.  

I just was talking to someone and I asked them what it is that makes a person fall for a cult leader.  Two words came back in the chat.   "Love bombing". And then I was reminded that we are essentially dealing with the narcissistic profile of the cult leader.  Therefore,  we have a set of terms that we can use that are somewhat descriptive and helpful.  However,  if a person has had no previous exposure to this culture, the culture of survivorship of narcissistic abuse,  they would not have the tools which this glossary of terms represents and I therefore have gone the route of examining and explaining each aspect of the abuse while providing example situations. 

My friend went on to explain that Sinran used to use this tactic of love bombing quite heavily.  She would set up a business for the person and market that business. In some cases she would pay off the debts of the party in question up to $20k or so.  She would spend a lot of exclusive time with that person and take them with her on shopping trips etc.  The effort time she would pay tons of attention to them making them feel very special.  

She didn't treat me this way,  but I can only imagine that she probably also was laying the groundwork for isolation from other group members by trashing different members,  dissing them in front of the newcomer. This was done very subtly at first by dropping little hints of some negative trait or by complaining about some minor fault or mistake of the member.  The new person would be given the impression that this other member was not to be trusted. I have to assume that she did this right from the beginning,  because she used to diss others in front of me.  I just knew that she must be dissing me in front of them. 

The rules were very strict, often arbitrary and nonsensical, and it was hard to function that way.  I have to mention that we were all controlled by access to food, though certainly some more than others. Sinran told us that we all had greed for food and that until we were free from our greed we could not be allowed to choose our own food.  So we had to eat whatever we were given.   There were times when I became quite hungry and one time I just grabbed some stale donuts and ate them.  That time I was sharply reprimanded and screamed at that I was a thief. 

I have to say we would be working long shifts and sometimes it would be very busy in the restaurant. There might not be time to prepare a staff meal.  Sometimes we were given cereal and milk.  That was certainly not very satisfying.  To Sinran's credit we were usually fed very well and encouraged to eat our fill.  But there were some aspects of the food mania, as I will call it,  that were very disturbing. 

There was a hierarchy in the group.  Some people could eat what they wanted,  notably Sinran herself and her paramour, Chef Herman. We didn't know that these two shared a bed. Everyone thought that Sinran was the Divine Mother and a celibate. Then, in my particular case, there was a lot of torturing and bullying that went on around food. I had my meals taken from me on a number of occasions for petty infractions and eventually it became a regular kind of nuisance for me that I would have to endure.  It was a type of distinctly purposeful humiliation. And it was often carried out buy the other members of the group. This is a trait of cults that the members are taught to torture each other.  

I find it really tedious to write about this aspect of our group life.  It was always a kind of mixed bag,  a hot and cold experience.  We were fed well most of the time,  but then there was the humiliation at other times.  It was like they say in German, Zuckerbrot und Peitsche.  This means that you are thrown back and forth always between two extremes. It's either great or it's terrible.  But it's never normal or regular. This is a tactic used in mind control.  You are always experiencing some superlative, best or worst. The emotions are kept very stimulated. You are never left to glide into a calm, restive emotional state.  You are kept on your toes as it were.  Every thing we experienced would have to be described as extreme.  I suppose that is how the whole mind control functions.  It keeps you off balance emotionally.  

There is much more to tell about group life in a cult,  mainly it's just that our experiences are defined by our role and our place in the group hierarchy. Each member in the group will have a very big challenge to be able to grasp what is happening and pinpoint the scope of the manipulation.  My friend sent me again the same email that he had written in the days just after he had left the group.  At the time I had rejected out of hand his warning.  And I remember that the feeling of reading what he wrote at that time was one of hearing fingernails on the blackboard. It just went against the grain for me.  The problem is,  if you have once bought into the illusion,  you can't make yourself see the truth, you won't be able to even if it is clearly right in front of your eyes, because it means you have to watch your entire world crumble before you. My friend recalled to  me one time,  and it was one of many,  in which Sinran recounted to us that someone had said that our group was a cult. We were all chuckling and shaking our heads and kind of feeling superior to them, because we were sure of ourselves and knew that they just "didn't get it". Nothing could have been further from the truth. 

Then I read again what he had to say about Sinran and Herman and the others,  but this time from a different emotional and mental perspective.  Truly we are all victims of mind control.  And it's very hard to grasp how we could buy into something that is so wrong and was so detrimental to our own spiritual development, until and unless one gains knowledge of how the mind functions.  Only after studying the Biderman Chart of Coercion and the general machinations of narcissistic family systems does it become possible to pull away and become independent and again being to think for oneself. 

It is a very painful process and one remains vulnerable to abuse perhaps for a long long time.  It's maybe not even possible to really fully heal in most cases.  This is because the thorn remains embedded in consciousness,  the weakness upon which these monsters prey is still there. That is a belief that there is no way that we can figure things out for ourselves and that we need someone else to help us get close to ourselves,  to know our true feelings and live from there.  And this is precisely because the connection had been artificially broken, and this is by design. There is a deeply ingrained feeling of inadequacy and a need for agency. I believe this need for agency is something that has been placed there by the church. When I say the church, I mean any institution which pretends to tell us things "for our own good", and in reality is simply helping itself into a position of fabulous wealth at our expense.  The church has played this role for millennia when they were synonymous with government. But now that this very church itself and the other side of the coin,  the government,  has worked so hard in order to wipe out religion or more accurately,  spirituality, and we are left to live a life barren of color,  devoid of any meaning and find ourselves washed ashore, each of us on our own private desert island in a sea of humanity, we have become helpless to find our way out of the maze.  

There is a saying that if you take a piece of chalk and draw a line on the ground around a goose that the goose will not cross the line, becoming your prisoner. Or also,  if when an elephant is young,  it is put on a heavy chain, when it is older a simple string suffices.  The animal feels the string and does not know that it could easily walk away. But in the case of human beings,  we are taught to lock ourselves in the cage and hand the key back to the captor. This is so ingrained in our thinking that after so many thousands of years people will still fight each other to retain the right to stay in jail. Anyone who comes to destroy this illusion of the need for control has a thankless job. No, danger, danger! Kill the messenger!

I've come for this, and I know that I will die.  I'm going to die anyway.  But I have, through long experience, slowly come to understand that EVERY WAR, EVERY CONFLICT, and virtually all or at least the most human on human crimes are the result of the calculated manipulations of these very institutions.  They do this one thing.  They first pervert reality in order to introduce a problem artificially, and then cause terror among the populace through campaign of disinformation, and then offer to us a magical solution.  And that solution  INVARIABLY is for us to make them rich by paying for something we never needed in the first place.  Presently,  we are headed into complete slavery. We have always been more or less indentured,  but now the plan seems to be to make it total. 

The solution is pretty simple,  and that is to reject their agency. They have butted in, into our private lives, in order to assert the need for their helping us.  It used to be that they simply said we need them in order for us to be able to connect to our God, but now they have told us that we need them in order for us to connect at all to anyone.  There used to be families.  These have been destroyed.  And it was conscious on their part.  Divide and conquer. Now we have no more families.  And we are constantly being made afraid of each other.  

I don't watch television but I'm staying with a friend and she has this d_sh network, which I want to call the douche bag network.  What I have seen they is proof eggnog.  There are only stories about people who are innocent and unsuspecting and are taken advantage of by people who are close to them and pretend to help,  but turn out to be psychopaths. Every show I saw was like this.  One show,  the woman was a cancer patient and a neighbor was helping her.  This neighbor ended up murdering the patient brutally and then framing the patient's husband,  destroying the whole family.  Another show I saw,  a young man lost his father.  Again,  a neighbor, pretending to help,  blackmails and threatens the boy into planting a bomb in a public building and then taking the blame so that he would go to prison for life. This is the message: you can't trust anyone. Everyone is evil  potentially. But I know that people are good.  What is bad is weekday is at the top right now. They want everyone to be helpless.  

The solution is simple,  but probably won't be easy. It is to get back together.  Get back into families. Join groups that meet up in person. Contact people you know to whom you have not spoken in years.  Just say hi.  Invite people over for dinner or for a game night. Just get together.  Have a barbecue. Have a Bible study.  Have any kind of thing.  Just get together.  And remember not to challenge anyone's beliefs or opinions.  People have been made to be enemies.  The powers that be have been causing more and more and more division. So we have to just try to build groups again.  Try to see past each other's thinking on any given topic.  We MUST get together.  People are hurting so badly.  And when they hurt they isolate,  because they feel threatened.  They are afraid. And they are mostly afraid of their beliefs getting ripped apart.  Because of the fear that is being produced right now is a kind of hypnosis and  it exists as a part of a mind control system. 

I need to explain this,  and I will do that. The whole world is right now suffering by being in a giant cult. 💔 And it is very hard to see until one wakes up.  But this will take a good deal of explaining.  Nevertheless,  once you see it , you cannot again unsee it.  Because the truth will then appear everywhere. It will be clear and unmistakable.  There will be no more fear or confusion.  Trepidation perhaps,  but a growing courage will quickly arise to blot it out.  You see. I am now of the belief that humans are good.  Inherently so.  When people are no longer isolated,  they will be able to figure things out.  When they get it figured out they won't be confused and they will immediately know what to do.  The first step is to break out of the self imposed isolation. 

Next, I want to explain how I came to this conclusion.